A message for ‘Stubborn Independent Control Freaks’
It was a moment of revelation. Tears pricked my eyes as I realised in trying to be independent, I was in fact selfish and had denied Rachel the chance to join in with us. I had excluded her from a fun time with good food, friendship, laughter, and building connection with each other. She also missed the hard work.
My homegroup had ‘offered’ to help me re-arrange my house, clean, and build a dog fence as my parents are coming to live with me for a few months whilst in-between houses. Our dogs don’t get along and will need to be separated. We moved furniture to create two rooms for them and I moved into my son’s old bedroom, packing his gear into the shed. In displacing heavy furniture, we cleaned gigantic dust bunnies and dusted unreached areas. On the plus side I found a favourite earring I lost a year ago, revisiting an unanswered question, ‘how did it get there?’
Here’s our to do list:
As previously mentioned in ‘where are you on the control freak scale‘, this was a difficult thing for me, having others help me. I am paddling my own canoe, pushing others away, as I don’t want to appear needy or unable to look after myself. Last time they offered to help with the garden when the weeds were taller than the windows (see How to help single parents move on the ‘control scale’ and accept help) I cheated by paying the lawn mowing man to whipper snip the weeds as well. Short term solution but it gave an impression of not requiring their help. But this job was beyond me. I knew I needed help. The group organised to come, and I was meant to ring Rachel and invite her.
When I saw her at church after the working bee, the realisation stabbed me. By not inviting her it saved my pride but it was a disservice to her. The group had bonded in the hard work. We had a shared the experience of red back spiders, dust and cake. We had laughed and gotten to know each better as we chatted through the tasks. Despite giving up time on a Saturday, we enjoyed ourselves and did a great job. But Rachel had missed out.
By keeping the spotlight on, my own humiliation in asking for help, I had denied Rachel the chance to be a part of a group community building experience.
So, no five steps in how to do something today. Just a story with a moral to show you, who are stubborn independent control freaks, that in reaching out and allowing others to help you, you are benefitting them as well.
Michelle L Sullivan in a 10-minute TED talk, ‘Asking for help is a strength, not a weakness,’ says ‘We have a role to play in other people’s successes. In helping others, we share an experience together and we both grow and benefit, even with strangers.’ She talks about ‘compassion, courage, understanding’ as we walk side by side. We all need others – sometime the need is obvious, sometimes it must be revealed.
Reversing that, other people are a part of my success and I can give them that opportunity by revealing my need and asking for help. They will grow and benefit from helping. We are better together.
My learning in summary. It is selfish of me not to ask for help. I am denying others an opportunity that will benefit them.
I apologised to Rachel and it turns out she couldn’t have come. But that is not the point. I excluded her based on my embarrassment and my efforts to be independent and in control.
Putting legs on it.
What area are your struggling with?
What help do you need?
Who can you ask?
Pay it forward