What to do with Mother’s Day pain
You can’t miss Mother’s Day and all of its pinkness. Social media posts celebrating wonderful mothers. Mothers posting grateful pictures of their children. Flowers on street corners. Advertisements for jewellery, chocolate, electric appliances– why an item of work? – to give Mum. Kindy children busy making macaroni photo frames. Lots of traffic as people drive to visit Mum or to take her out to lunch.
Mother’s Day. It’s a time of families meeting together, honouring Mums and full of love and warm fuzzy feelings…but not for everyone.
Mother’s Day is a lance for pain for many women. Those who:
- long to hold a baby in their arms, and invest money riding an emotional rollercoaster trying
- those whose babies (big and small, some who never lived outside the womb but left their presence on their Mother) are in heaven already
- those whose mothers are in gone in death, dementia, circumstances or in rejection of the child
- those whose dreams of a happy family are shattered in single parenting
- those who are not with their children
- those who never had the opportunity to partner and have children, and it’s all they wanted
- those who through circumstances not of their choosing are raising children on their own
- those who are adopted or the mothers who surrendered them
All this focus and media creation of an idyllic situation, heightens the sense of loss and longing for these women (and for some men).
Mother’s Day may have passed, but the emotions it brings forth, like poking the dragon, are still bubbling away. Later, I suggest how to manage these.
Honest reflections as a single parent, saying what we don’t always like to admit
I remember the early days of single parenting. Without another adult to organise the kids I took them shopping, gave them the money, pointed them in the right direction to the present I wanted and when they were really little even helped wrap the gift, then acted surprised on Mother’s Day. When they were big enough to give me breakfast in bed, I cleaned up the mess created with their offering.
Once my ex had returned to living close by, it become a day tainted by other emotions I don’t’ like to label let alone share publicly – like jealousy. When I shared my kids with him, I spent some of the day alone. Seeing my kids invest time and love in their relationship with their step mum – which I encourage and I am grateful for her investment in their lives – but if I’m honest it still creates a pain in me, a bit of envy.
It’s a day, even now my kids are grown, I feel points to my failure – the loss of my marriage, my kids growing up without two parents. So, Mother’s Day still pricks a little.
What to do if this is you
- Admit what you feel. Label the emotions within in you – anger, betrayal, aching loss, jealousy and envy
- Process the emotions. Journal, speak to your safe person or to a counsellor, tap dance out your anger, be creative, walk somewhere that soothes your soul, focus on what you are grateful for
- Look for the reason behind the emotions and this may require some professional help like counselling or seeing a psychologist. What is it that raises your emotions – is it loss of the dream of a happy family or even family to hold your baby in your arms? is it grief from the death of your mother? is it the fractured relationship you have with your mother and again the dream of what it could have been? is it rejection and caused by an abusive parent?
- With your support person to help, deal with the reason.
What others can do
- Be sensitive.
- Check-up on those in your circle for whom Mother’s Day can heighten pain, and acknowledge their grief, ambivalence and even hostility to the day.
- Provide support as needed.
- Create communities where people are welcomed and celebrated for who they are, not just their roles.
- Acknowledge others who have been a mother to you, thank them for their investment in you and the legacy they leave in you.
Putting legs on it
DO one action from the group you fall into: what you can do, or what others can do?
For daughters of narcissistic mothers read Psychology Today: When Mothers day hurts https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201305/when-mothers-day-hurts
Photo credit Melissa Askew www.unsplash.com